Pity Party

This whole thing with my eye is really getting to me. I know with my head that I am prone to an overactive imagination and can image way more than I should. I have only looked up on two sites information on ocular herpes and that was enough to keep me from reading more.

This morning it was just lightly sprinkling when I left the house (fantastic news for my yard which is tired of being baked daily in 100+ temps). On the way down the interstate it began to get worse. Between the pouring rain and my now always blurred vision, I had a lot of troubles seeing. And it was then I felt alone for the first time. I realized that if I do end up with truly impaired vision that I have no one to help me through things. My mother, Lord love her, would come to the rescue but with it comes so much guilt and sorrow that I can’t bear the thought. My parents are aging and not the people to lean on. They are getting to the point of needing more than I should need them. My oldest son is almost there for someone but not quite and right now in the clutches of his father, being brainwashed (another rant, not against men but against people who lie on a regular basis).

I am truly scared of losing more of my sight. I’m an accountant. Not being able to tell numbers apart is a problem for me. This is the only thing I know to do and I don’t know how to get through life without being able to do this work.

That was quick

He moved in for a week and has already moved out. He said it wasn’t comfortable living in MY house. (Funny how we bought the house together) He says he is living at his parents’ house but I suspect he is with Ju-Ju more than he admits to (he says they are friends). He tried to blame me for his being homeless. His argument for this is that if I would allow Ju-Ju to be in the car when he comes to get or drop off the kids, then his relationship with her would be fine. I just feel strongly that I should not walk out of my house and see her skanky face. Future girlfriends of his won’t have the baggage of emotions that I have about Ju-Ju. We had problems before she came into his life but I think we would have stood a chance to get through them without her meddling in his life. We will never know but I am allowed and entitled to feel the way I do. I have asked very little out of him and this is the one thing I feel strongly about. I know I have no say about where else he takes her. Technically I don’t have a say in this, she can sit in his car on a public street and I can’t do a thing about it, except to rescind all the high levels of cooperation he gets from me.

I have found the color I’m painting my bedroom, a beautiful lavender. I need to figure out how much I can afford to do this Saturday. I don’t get paid until Monday and of course since the month isn’t over, child support isn’t in either. But I’m looking forward to the color on the walls. I think with the green accessories throughout the room, it will be beautiful.

Mistake in the making?

J is still wanting to move out of Ju-Ju’s house but he doesn’t have a place to go. It is hard. His income is inconsistent and with his medical issues, he is afraid of trying to manage a rent until he knows more about how things are going to work on his own.

So I offered last year when he was in the hospital for him to come and live at my house. He could room with C as a boys’ room and KB could sleep in my room since she spends part of the night in there every night anyway. At the time, he didn’t want to take the offer but now things are bad enough he is considering it. There are definitely some boundaries and time limits to be set but there are pluses for me. He would be able to take care of some of my minor maintenance issues I have been avoiding. It would take some of the pressure off of me on dealing with the kids. He would be able to get the damn garage cleared out.

I know many would say I’m insane for doing this. But I don’t want him living with his parents because when he has the kids over there, they get yelled at by his father a lot. His brother’s house has as even more tension than he has in his current living situation. He deeply loves his kids and misses being with them more. We might not be what people think of as a family any more but we still are in many ways.

We lived together just fine in the past. No one realized we had problems because we were never the kind to yell at each other so when we told the kids, they were blindsided because they never saw any signs of problems.

Finally I’m back

Sorry work has been making me crazy.

I’m in a weird spot in my mind right now. I get this way every so often, where I have so much in my mind but feel unable to talk to anyone about it. It is strange but the only person in my life that seems to get me right now is my ex. I guess that is all the years together. He calls me every morning at work to see how things are in my world. He worries about why I’m having so many chest pains (anxiety attacks) and asks about my knee. He gets how stressful work is and he calls in the afternoon to see if my day has gotten any better.

And yet I still know that he is the man who can’t figure out to move out from the girlfriend he claims to be almost hating. He still can’t keep a promise made. So many things wrong and right now he is the only person who makes me feel important. How warped is this?

I need a real boyfriend. I need to be looking forward to something with someone instead of wishing we could turn back time.

In case you were wondering

I’m still alive and well. Nothing of great interest has been happening so not much to talk about.

That weird stalker on FB continues to be, well….just weird. I haven’t really talked to this person IRL in about 20+ years. We would run into each other every so often, chat for a couple of minutes and go on. So today I updated my status that I am having dinner with an old friend today and she comments “can I be nosey and see if it is anyone I know?”. Well she may not have much of a life of her own but I have had during the time since we left high school. Sheesh. She is always gushing about her new husband and how much love and lust they have for each other. Hmmm, TMI? I have set my FB options so that I don’t see much of her status updates but every once in a while I see them and it is just annoying. Yes I should just drop her but we still have friends in common who that will make their lives uncomfortable (why did T drop me, did I do something to her, find out what is going on..) so I just ignore her and every once in a while notice her.

The X is back to wanting out of his life with the miserable girlfriend and has no clue how to get on with his life. Granted, he is in a huge hole financially and it isn’t an easy thing to get out of but not my problem. I think when I told him one day that I am content with my life right now and never been happier that it was a huge hit on the head that I’m not sitting around mourning losing him and that his chances of getting back with me dropped considerably.

Spring is starting up. We have trees with the fresh light green leaves and it is beautiful. I started this last weekend to reclaim my backyard by burning fallen limbs. I have way too many pecan trees and they are a headache. I love spring and yard work.

Telling the future – my next profession

Yup, he’s on the outs with his girlfriend. Big whoop. Since he is talking about living in his pop up camper at the local campsite, I’m betting his single nature won’t last long. One of the best lines about this came from my sister who said that is one step away from being homeless. Whatever. He likes to talk about being a camper and roughing it, but I bet life in the camper gets old really quick, especially since it has no restroom in the camper. I have to admit, I hope he doesn’t live there long because he won’t be able to take the kids any during the summer and I do look forward to my mini-vacations from parenting. It isn’t that I don’t love my children, but there is a reason single custodial parents need the kids to spend time with non-custodial parent. Being a single parent is intense and we need time to recharge our batteries. I miss them when they are gone and I can’t stop worrying about them. But I am not play the ref to all of their squabbles and I’m able to just relax.

I got a call from the State Attorney General’s office on Friday. They were going to be processing paperwork to get a court date. Woohoo!!! He’s of course wanting to work this out with the court. Duh. I tried to explain to him that it is not working for me to try to collect from him. He gets me emotionally involved with all of his reasons he can’t pay which isn’t fair to me. They will be an unbiased third party. They have experience about what is fair in the collection, especially in regards to his upcoming surgery(ies). He needs to understand the child support is not optional but mandatory. He blames his girlfriend because she gets so upset when he pays me before paying his share of the bills around there. Well, if she was waiting for child support, she would be singing a different tune. But she should not be a factor in the equation. And now that I’m paying health insurance out of pocket, the problem has grown.

He makes all kinds of promises and he really means it at the time he makes promises. He is just bad about following through with his promises. He lets other things (and people) control his life. He’s not a bad guy, he’s just clueless.

From the “you can’t make this stuff up” files

Clinically Depressed Poodle Mauls Former French President Chirac

Former French President Jacques Chirac was rushed to a hospital after being mauled by his pet dog who is being treated for depression, in a dramatic incident that rattled the ex-president’s wife.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,481426,00.html

I just don’t have enough imagination to come up with better stories than what the media provides.

Pork chops

So the X came Sat morning to the twins’ basketball games, yet again without his girlfriend. It has been kinda interesting that she hasn’t been at any of the games, even when they have the kids given how jealous she is about him being anywhere near me. But Sat after the game he and I were talking about the kids. I try to keep him informed of as much of their doings as possible, even the little mundane things. Off hand I mentioned that KB was having a friend spend Sat night and she had requested pork chops for dinner. He said he missed my pork chops so I reminded him that we have one of the best known meat markets in our little town and he should pick a few. He knows my recipe (which is mostly about sprinkling on garlic powder, etc before pan frying them) so I wasn’t understanding why he would be so incredibly wistful about my pork chops. Well he goes to say that the other members of his household don’t like seasonings on food, they prefer everything bland and prefer eating out all the time.

We talked a couple of times that afternoon because I thought CT might have broken his nose and I wanted his expertise (as a EMT) about what to watch for and if it meritted a trip to the ER. He called later that night and talked to me for 30 minutes about his career outlook.

All of this points to the fact that he is once again unhappy with his relationship and once again I’m the fallback person in his life. However this time, I’m just observing his wandering lost and not feeling anything for him but pity. He needs to learn to live his life alone before he can share it with someone else. I see this in so many people, they hustle from one relationship to another because being alone is unbearable. Again you can’t find happiness with someone else unless you are first happy within yourself.

A New Year

I’m not going to make resolutions because those are fake and never work. But I was thinking about something a friend said about how seldom we get chances to start afresh. I’m in nowhere the situation like what she was talking about as I don’t have the chance to just pick up and move and start life completely over.

But the freshness of the new year is exciting. And it made me think about what do I want to see out of this year ahead of me.

1. I want to see projects around the house done so I can enjoy my home more. I am coming to realize what I want isn’t in my skillset (after the weekend fiasco of trying to turn off the water to the house) but I can hire people for little projects here and there. Part of enjoying my home more will come with some better housekeeping. I have started the kids on more structured chores. There is no reason for them not to be helping more.

2. I do want to become more physically fit. I’m not sure that I can and will say that equals weight loss. But for example, I have a goal of during the next two months to get in better water drinking habits again. When my offices move to the new building this spring, we will have a workout room with equipment and I want to use those on a regular basis.

3. I am settling into a rhythm of being on my own. I like it for the most part. I like me and while I’m certainly not perfect, I’m happy with who I am and where I am in life. I have a good job that has great career potential ahead of me. The kids and I are doing ok financially (could be better if I ever saw child support but that is in process). I want to set some financial goals now that I’m getting out survival mode.

4. I want to travel some this year. I watch some of the discount airfares and want to take some weekend trips to see some of my friends. The question is, do they want me to see them? I could scare poor CMajor when I tell him it is a lifelong goal of mine to get up to the northwest…

So in a nutshell, I’m content with the path I’m on. I have some finetuning to do but I feel good about my direction in life. Last year I felt that I was just drifting and doing what I could to survive. Now I’m past that stage and can look ahead with a sense of direction and purpose. I know too many people who stay in that surviving mode and are unhappy with life. I truly believe that you have to have a sense of direction. It doesn’t mean changing your life drastically in all cases – it just means you have a plan for the long term. With that comes happiness because it gives a person a sense of control. There are a lot of things I can’t control but I feel like with my plan, I have a sense of how to get through the uncontrollable because I have that ability to see past that situation to the road ahead. Not to say next year I might be changing paths but I hope if I am, it is with a destination in mind.

Attacked out of nowhere

So on my online dating site, it is a free site so you do see all kinds of people there. Because of my job, I have chosen not to post my picture up, figuring while it isn’t against the rules, it isn’t the thing to do. I do post that I’m a few pounds overweight (true).

Today I get an email from a guy who has been on the site about as long as I have been. I should have cut and paste it because it was really out of left field. But basically it said “A few pounds means you’re a fattie. You don’t have your picture up because you are ugly. Your profile is boring and unoriginal. Who are you to be picky? You have been on this site a long time because no one wants you. You are a skank and you need to take yourself to the bars to find a drunk man. Get off of this site and quit wasting men’s time.”

Wow. Do you figure someone (not me) isn’t handling rejection well at all? I started to respond but why give the satisfaction? His profile mentions that he is into fitness and working out, so yes he isn’t attracted to overweight women. That’s fine. Everyone has their personal preferences about what is attractive and some people do put more value on the surface than what truly makes up a person (although how often are those the ones who complain how they can’t find a honest good person in their lives). I’m honest I have weight issues. I don’t claim to be average size and then surprise the poor guy at a first meet. I have pictures (less than a year old) and I usually include them in my emails with guys. Skank? No one who knows me would ever call me a skank. That’s about as far off the mark as a person can go in describing me. And yes, I don’t care who you are in this world, everyone has the right to be picky about who they want in their lives. Luckily I have a lot of self-confidence to believe despite my weight, I am deserving a good, intelligent guy who can see me for the wonderful woman I am.

And then poor Steve will be still bitter and alone in the workout room.