For some reason I have been talking a lot about attitude. I’m trying to help my mother see that sitting around and pitying yourself doesn’t do any good, except to alienate those that might be trying to help you. And I used my divorce as an example.
Many would say I’m too nice to J. Others would say I’m a sucker. But basically I decided I couldn’t live my life with bitterness and anger. I have to work with him regarding the kids. And I can’t ruin their lives with my feelings. So yes, I do let him get away with a lot of things. For example, turning him into the state for being behind on his childsupport right now wouldn’t do me any good. He can’t pay what he doesn’t have. If I thought for a minute he was living nicely while we were doing without, I would burn his ass seven ways from Sunday. But having him jailed for non-payment isn’t going to get me more money. So I try to work with him, even though yes I have had to pick up extra work and do without things along the way.
I can sit with him at children’s events. He has called me a few times to shoot the breeze. That actually cracks me up because I hate to think of Ju-Ju making him happy. I’m ok with him eventually finding happiness with someone else, as long as I find someone first. But never will Ju-Ju be ok. She is still married to her husband, the man she left while he was in the hospital on an attempted suicide. She has no morals. And she is constantly thinking I’m the same as her, accusing me of having lunch time sex episodes with J. She obviously has no moral center and thinks everyone is like her. In the last year, I have had offers for sex. I have turned them down because I want it to be a little bit meaningful, not just a quick release of sexual energy with nothing else to it.
To J, I really have very little bitterness. A lot of pity because he still has no sense of direction in life. He is just wandering from one experience to another and then wondering why life has been this way to him. I may not be a smashing success by everyone’s measuring stick but at least I know who I am and what I want. I’m not the hapless victim of life, I’m an engaged participant. I may not be in charge but I’m not sitting on the side of the road either.
I have learned a lot in the last year. I have found I can do things on my own. In many ways it is easier as a single parent as I don’t have to worry about what he wants, how he wants it done, etc. Yes sometimes I am so lonely I could just die, but it passes.
However, as a final note, I’m still not a fan of self service orgasms.
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