Pity Party

This whole thing with my eye is really getting to me. I know with my head that I am prone to an overactive imagination and can image way more than I should. I have only looked up on two sites information on ocular herpes and that was enough to keep me from reading more.

This morning it was just lightly sprinkling when I left the house (fantastic news for my yard which is tired of being baked daily in 100+ temps). On the way down the interstate it began to get worse. Between the pouring rain and my now always blurred vision, I had a lot of troubles seeing. And it was then I felt alone for the first time. I realized that if I do end up with truly impaired vision that I have no one to help me through things. My mother, Lord love her, would come to the rescue but with it comes so much guilt and sorrow that I can’t bear the thought. My parents are aging and not the people to lean on. They are getting to the point of needing more than I should need them. My oldest son is almost there for someone but not quite and right now in the clutches of his father, being brainwashed (another rant, not against men but against people who lie on a regular basis).

I am truly scared of losing more of my sight. I’m an accountant. Not being able to tell numbers apart is a problem for me. This is the only thing I know to do and I don’t know how to get through life without being able to do this work.

Finally I’m back

Sorry work has been making me crazy.

I’m in a weird spot in my mind right now. I get this way every so often, where I have so much in my mind but feel unable to talk to anyone about it. It is strange but the only person in my life that seems to get me right now is my ex. I guess that is all the years together. He calls me every morning at work to see how things are in my world. He worries about why I’m having so many chest pains (anxiety attacks) and asks about my knee. He gets how stressful work is and he calls in the afternoon to see if my day has gotten any better.

And yet I still know that he is the man who can’t figure out to move out from the girlfriend he claims to be almost hating. He still can’t keep a promise made. So many things wrong and right now he is the only person who makes me feel important. How warped is this?

I need a real boyfriend. I need to be looking forward to something with someone instead of wishing we could turn back time.

In case you were wondering

I’m still alive and well. Nothing of great interest has been happening so not much to talk about.

That weird stalker on FB continues to be, well….just weird. I haven’t really talked to this person IRL in about 20+ years. We would run into each other every so often, chat for a couple of minutes and go on. So today I updated my status that I am having dinner with an old friend today and she comments “can I be nosey and see if it is anyone I know?”. Well she may not have much of a life of her own but I have had during the time since we left high school. Sheesh. She is always gushing about her new husband and how much love and lust they have for each other. Hmmm, TMI? I have set my FB options so that I don’t see much of her status updates but every once in a while I see them and it is just annoying. Yes I should just drop her but we still have friends in common who that will make their lives uncomfortable (why did T drop me, did I do something to her, find out what is going on..) so I just ignore her and every once in a while notice her.

The X is back to wanting out of his life with the miserable girlfriend and has no clue how to get on with his life. Granted, he is in a huge hole financially and it isn’t an easy thing to get out of but not my problem. I think when I told him one day that I am content with my life right now and never been happier that it was a huge hit on the head that I’m not sitting around mourning losing him and that his chances of getting back with me dropped considerably.

Spring is starting up. We have trees with the fresh light green leaves and it is beautiful. I started this last weekend to reclaim my backyard by burning fallen limbs. I have way too many pecan trees and they are a headache. I love spring and yard work.

Pork chops

So the X came Sat morning to the twins’ basketball games, yet again without his girlfriend. It has been kinda interesting that she hasn’t been at any of the games, even when they have the kids given how jealous she is about him being anywhere near me. But Sat after the game he and I were talking about the kids. I try to keep him informed of as much of their doings as possible, even the little mundane things. Off hand I mentioned that KB was having a friend spend Sat night and she had requested pork chops for dinner. He said he missed my pork chops so I reminded him that we have one of the best known meat markets in our little town and he should pick a few. He knows my recipe (which is mostly about sprinkling on garlic powder, etc before pan frying them) so I wasn’t understanding why he would be so incredibly wistful about my pork chops. Well he goes to say that the other members of his household don’t like seasonings on food, they prefer everything bland and prefer eating out all the time.

We talked a couple of times that afternoon because I thought CT might have broken his nose and I wanted his expertise (as a EMT) about what to watch for and if it meritted a trip to the ER. He called later that night and talked to me for 30 minutes about his career outlook.

All of this points to the fact that he is once again unhappy with his relationship and once again I’m the fallback person in his life. However this time, I’m just observing his wandering lost and not feeling anything for him but pity. He needs to learn to live his life alone before he can share it with someone else. I see this in so many people, they hustle from one relationship to another because being alone is unbearable. Again you can’t find happiness with someone else unless you are first happy within yourself.

A New Year

I’m not going to make resolutions because those are fake and never work. But I was thinking about something a friend said about how seldom we get chances to start afresh. I’m in nowhere the situation like what she was talking about as I don’t have the chance to just pick up and move and start life completely over.

But the freshness of the new year is exciting. And it made me think about what do I want to see out of this year ahead of me.

1. I want to see projects around the house done so I can enjoy my home more. I am coming to realize what I want isn’t in my skillset (after the weekend fiasco of trying to turn off the water to the house) but I can hire people for little projects here and there. Part of enjoying my home more will come with some better housekeeping. I have started the kids on more structured chores. There is no reason for them not to be helping more.

2. I do want to become more physically fit. I’m not sure that I can and will say that equals weight loss. But for example, I have a goal of during the next two months to get in better water drinking habits again. When my offices move to the new building this spring, we will have a workout room with equipment and I want to use those on a regular basis.

3. I am settling into a rhythm of being on my own. I like it for the most part. I like me and while I’m certainly not perfect, I’m happy with who I am and where I am in life. I have a good job that has great career potential ahead of me. The kids and I are doing ok financially (could be better if I ever saw child support but that is in process). I want to set some financial goals now that I’m getting out survival mode.

4. I want to travel some this year. I watch some of the discount airfares and want to take some weekend trips to see some of my friends. The question is, do they want me to see them? I could scare poor CMajor when I tell him it is a lifelong goal of mine to get up to the northwest…

So in a nutshell, I’m content with the path I’m on. I have some finetuning to do but I feel good about my direction in life. Last year I felt that I was just drifting and doing what I could to survive. Now I’m past that stage and can look ahead with a sense of direction and purpose. I know too many people who stay in that surviving mode and are unhappy with life. I truly believe that you have to have a sense of direction. It doesn’t mean changing your life drastically in all cases – it just means you have a plan for the long term. With that comes happiness because it gives a person a sense of control. There are a lot of things I can’t control but I feel like with my plan, I have a sense of how to get through the uncontrollable because I have that ability to see past that situation to the road ahead. Not to say next year I might be changing paths but I hope if I am, it is with a destination in mind.

All alone

The kids have gone to be with their dad for the week.  Well I do get to have them Christmas Eve because that is the day my family has our Christmas celebrations.  It has always worked well for everyone, Christmas Eve at my family’s and then Christmas Day with his.  So even in the divorce, we both get to spend quality time with the kids without a lot of debate.  I will get them that morning, we will come home and open presents and then go to my family’s for the day and then I will return them that night. 

The only thing is that I don’t know about letting them take their new Gameboys to his house.  They will want to because they say they are bored there.  But things have gotten stolen there and disappeared.  Plus there is the evil part of me that says they can bored there and make his life miserable, even though I realize that I’m not being fair to my kids.  But in truth it makes no sense for them to take their present from me (out of my hard earned money since I still haven’t seen any child support going on 3 months now) and then get a lot of gifts the next morning. 

I had to work yesterday but that wasn’t the end of the world.  I used it set up binders for the new year.  I’m so anal about these things, I love having a good template for my binder spines that have the company logo and look so organized.  Much like how I love that we have some of our low functioning students who come in for job skill training sorting paperclips so that my big paperclips aren’t mixed in with the larger paperclips.  This is actually good for them because they work on sorting things and then counting them into packaging. 

So today I have slept in, read part of my book, went shopping, made fudge, cleaned the kitchen and am doing laundry and watching a pay per view.  Yeah I really know how to spend my free time.

Another milestone

Today is the one year anniversary of my divorce.  Ok so for one year I have officially have had no men in my life.  I hope that it takes care of the “don’t rush into a relationship right after you end one” comments.

Back to focusing on the positives

The economy is brutualzing some friends of mine right now.  And I have to take this moment and feel blessed I have a good job that can ride through these economic uncertainities. 

And I have to stop and think about what my kids are getting from me.  Without government help and virtually no financial help from their father, I am keeping a roof over their heads, food on the table and a lap they can cuddle into.  They know that Mom is on their side throughout life and while she might not be able to keep all of her promises, that she tries to very hard.  They have a large family that loves them and they know that we all stick together, no matter how fractured the family is. 

Life isn’t about the things we can stick in our pockets.  It is about the people we have around us.

Thanksgiving is coming up and while it isn’t why I’m reminded of the blessings I have, it is a good time to stop and count them.

Can we just skip today?

Today would have been my 24th wedding anniversary.  It is the first year I am not married on this milestone.  Last year at least I had Sportzmom with me to get through it as I was impatiently waiting for the divorce papers to be finalized so I could move on.

In some ways I have moved on and in many ways I have not.  I just look forward to a time when this day is just another day.

Life on hold

He is on the outs with the girlfriend again.  I have to say today’s crazy stunt is one of her stupidest yet.  She told him that someone (oooh, wonder who she could be implying) called hospital security and banned her from seeing him.  He asked me and I had to admit, the thought never even occurred to me.  I don’t play stupid games like that. 

Once again, when he is separated from her, he sees her more clearly.  He sees that she is into mind games.  I just don’t understand why he can’t hold on to that thought when he is with her too.  Oh well.  For now, I will be helping to get him well.  It is the right thing to do, both for someone I spent so much time (over 28 years) and the father of my kids. 

This is not the time for either of us to be thinking of relationships.  The strange thing is that I’m more at peace for the last few days than I have been in ages.   I sat on his bed tonight, rubbing his back.  It was something I did regularly for him for ages.  I knew the spots that always bothered him and the areas that were sensitive.  Yet at the same time it wasn’t the same.  This week he has lost a lot of weight (naturally he hasn’t eaten in 6 days) and his muscle tone is quickly getting shot.  We carefully don’t talk about the future or the past.  We are excited about the little stages of improvement in his health.  My washer broke this morning/last night and he is concerned about helping to get it fixed.