Update on the X

His mother called me with the update.  After nearly 4 hours in surgery, they found out that he had a hole in his intestine and it had grown infected.  Another day and he would have died.

So where does the girlfriend come in?  He thought his intestinal pain was from dehydration (he has been through that before) and went to her (an EMT) to have her do an IV bag of saline to rehydrate him.  He didn’t come home and went to the hospital.  His mother thinks that she has manipulated him while he is sick.  Well that is a lot of the truth but until he really decides to be done with her, she has the ability to do this to him.  Obviously though right now he is in her clutches. 

I have really come to realize today how much I do love him and how miserable it is to worry about someone in the hospital when I can’t be there.  Now comes the afternoon.  WT has a ball game tonight, he is now on the JV team (because of realignment after report cards, not because he is that good) and I don’t see a reason to ruin that for him.  So I will tell the kids after the game and then take them to the hospital where his mother will take them up to see their dad since we can all imagine the drama of me and the girlfriend in the same hospital room together.  Plus he doesn’t need to have me blubbering all over the place, which is all I have been able to do today.

I can’t make him love me and I can’t seem to stop loving him.  He will need to be taken care of for the next few weeks and it gives her the ability to wedge further and further with him.

I have to move on somehow

I won’t go through the play by play but it boils down to he doens’t know what he wants.  He wants to build something with me, friendship or more but he is unable to cut loose his relationship with Ju-Ju.  In some senses he knows that she is mentally unstable.  She knows how to manipulate him like a pro and he knows that to some degree, but his damn hero complex keeps him from walking away like he should.  Even if we don’t get back together, she is a disaster in his life.  She has played him with the abused wife thing, pretending to him that she was in a suicidal crash, stalking him to see if he is coming to my house, and making him feel responsible for her mental state.  Until he sees how sick she is, he can’t have any kind of relationship with me.  I also told him that he is to keep her away from the kids (and reminded him that they are not good at keeping secrets) and that if he doesn’t then I will look into a TRO to keep her away from the kids.  She says damaging things and she has even told the X’s family how resentful she is that they are more important than she is to him.  They don’t need to be dragged into his nightmare.  He has to figure this out for himself. 

He wants to be at least good friends with me.  I have come to the conclusion that I love him too much still to be able to do that and I told him that.  I hate to sound like what she said to him once, that it has to be all or nothing but that is basically where emotionally I am now.  I told him that I won’t be calling on him for even the little things.  That’s one of her tricks to keep him around her.  I won’t be playing that game.  The door is shut until he is willing to make the committment to come through it all the way.

What do I want?

The X asked me to do what has turned out to be a revealing exercise.  What do I want in my life changed?  Specifically, what changes do I want to see around the house if he came back and what do I want to see changed in him?

Now I asked him to do the same and I won’t show him mine until he shows me his.  But in true blogging fashion, I will reveal my soul to an potentially unknown audience (since I had 53 views the other day, someone is reading this thing, just don’t know who), here I go.

At home -

Help with the housework and yardwork.  I am feeling very overwhelmed with all the things that need to be done, to the point of feeling immobilized by it.  Help will make such a huge difference. 

Help with the kids.  I have a career that takes a lot of energy.  I’m the person so many come to for answers here, plus trying to repair a very broken system.  I go home at night and I just don’t have the energy to have the arguments with KB.  I don’t have the energy to say do this over and over again and honestly often the kids just ignore me and do what they want.  It isn’t right and yet while I’m powerful at work, I don’t feel that way at home.

From a partner I want

–I want to feel like I’m important to that person.  I want to have moments where I feel like he is amazed he is with someone like me and vice versa.

–I hate being asked where I want to go or do and then being told that no that’s not a good idea and we do what the other person wants.  My mother does this and my ex used to do this.  And if we do or go where I want, I don’t want to be made to feel bad for it, told what a better choice their idea was, etc. 

–I want someone to encourage me to do new things, even if I’m scared to get out of my safety zone and initially say no. 

–I like getting little presents.  They don’t have to be expensive but just the occasional little thing that says the person was thinking of me when I wasn’t around.  And being asked what I want for gift occasions says someone isn’t paying attention to me or doesn’t want to take the time to think about who I am.

–When we go to his events with his friends, don’t abandon me or if we stay around, don’t make the butt of your jokes.  I want them to see me as a valued part of your life, not the old ball and chain.

There will be more to this.  This was just the initial process of thinking out loud.

Confused

Just spent an hour talking to J outside.  Nothing much to say.  Nothing decided, not moving forward, not moving forward.  I’m emotionally tired.  I’m so tired of life as it is right now and I know nothing I can do to make it differently.  I have no sense of self.  When I’m not with the kids, I never know what to go do.  One is because I’m usually broke, another is because all of my best friends live in other states, another is because I just don’t know what to go do.

It hurts to love someone like this.  He doesn’t want to make promises yet, which I understand and respect.  He’s being smart about it all and I feel like a pouty kid who isn’t getting her way.