Starting again

21 03 2010

This morning I had an epiphany. It started with my usual analyzing of things that I see others doing with their lives and I realized I really needed to start analyzing my own life. I have been adrift lately, just kinda going through the motions of life without living it. I am not dissatisfied with life right now but have that knowledge it could be better.

In relation to someone else (the ex) I was thinking of how he felt like I didn’t need him enough in our marriage. I didn’t need him because he never gave of himself and I had learned to do without him for so long. But truthfully I am asking myself what do I give others right now. Yes I’m a good listener to friends and I do give support and advice (I’m very good at the advice which is not really a good thing). But I don’t give.

I’m going to start giving more. More time with my kids, more energy to my kids. That is something I have not been doing. I need to find a charity to give some time to also. Perhaps why I am not able to find someone who wants me is because I have been selfish of my time and very lazy with my energy.

I’ll blog again but not to criticize others which is something I do give away too easily. Instead I need to use my blog to help focus on the things that are important.


More documentation

14 07 2009

Sorry, easier to do this here so I can find it easily when I need to.

The kids have been with the ex for the last two weeks. On Monday July 6 he took KB to the dr for ear pain. I couldn’t get an answer from him until the next morning what was wrong with her because his girlfriend doesn’t like him talking to me, even if it is about the kids’ health. She had wax buildup and it was irritated but not infected. He did not get the prescription the dr gave him filled. He says because she didn’t really need it, she is under the impression it was because he couldn’t afford it. She came home on Sunday night and has been in pain with her ear ever since. He told me when he dropped them off that he was putting a drop of olive oil in her ear instead of the prescription. So that night I ran down to the store and got medicine for swimmers ear because he said it only bothered her a little after swimming.

She had been swimming on Sunday and then swam Monday at a friend’s house. She took her drops with her and used them but called during the night because she was hurting. There was nothing I could do for her and I didn’t want her waking up the mom to leave in the night so I got her first thing this morning. When I asked him for the prescription so I could get it filled, he suddenly will take care of it. Rather than deal with me, he is going around me to my mother who has KB today so I can work.

And then there is the whole issue of WT working for him this summer but J decided to hold WT’s money rather than give it to him until they can set up a savings account. J already owes WT $1000 of money he borrowed from him years ago when WT had another job. J owes me $3000 in back child support. WT can have $100 in his wallet for over 2 months without spending it. Why not let WT have his money that he earned? The kid is 15, certainly of an age to handle his own money and he will do a better job of it than J ever would. So after I talked to J about it, he gave WT almost all of his money. Not surprising, J is a little short having all of it. J is an independent contractor so WT is technically working in a family business and many of the standard rules don’t apply to him. But WT wants to work with his dad so I’m letting him.

While the kids were with the ex, they had like seven kids at the house and WT felt like he was always being blamed for everything that happened. Then last night he was holding Ju-Ju’s little toy dog when he was needed for something. He admits he was kinda tossing the dog onto the furniture when she took a leap out of his hands. The combined actions made it look like he threw the dog and Ju-Ju absolutely lit into him. WT said that later Ju-Ju said that she was overwrought with the stress of so many kids and that J only kinda stood up for him. J is now trying to say that the reason Ju-Ju treats these other kids over there better than she does my kids are because she feels closer to those other kids because they are family (cousins and such). Gee, that’s a way to make the boyfriend’s kids feel really welcome and part of a family. WT doesn’t want to go over there much to begin with and I think these two weeks might have sealed the deal. I don’t have to sabotage his relationship with his kids. He does really well on his own. I used to try to defend him to the kids but I just can’t keep doing that.

Was I hit on?

7 07 2009

Damn, I had an interaction with a guy the other day and it wasn’t until later on that it dawned on me, he just might have been hitting on me. Pathetic that I didn’t realize it, huh? Or maybe I’m misreading the conversation at this point?

I never have really been in the dating world. J and I dated from our freshman year in high school and then married the November after graduation. So I missed the whole high school dating scene and certainly never was in it in college since I was an old married woman with a job in college. And even now after the divorce, I have piddled with some first dates but nothing has come out of them.

So a few months ago, some neighborhood hoodlums broke WT’s window in his truck. I called the police and they got confessions out of the boys. They said they would reimburse me for the cost of the window. A bunch of delays later and a few missed connections with the detective in charge of the case (who knew our little town had a detective, that must be a boring job) and I was ready to give up ever seeing the money.

The other day, WT & I were getting ready to go to Dallas for an overnight trip to see my sister and WT told me there was an officer at the door. He had part of my money and wanted to give it to me in person since the check wasn’t made out to anyone in particular. We stood outside and chatted for a few minutes. First the man is tall. Granted I’m short at 5’2″ but this man was majorly tall, like over 6’6″. We talked about my magnolia tree that we were standing under and at one point he asked how long I had been divorced. I told him a couple of years and he said congratulations.

I don’t know if he is married or not. I am not the kind who is looking for a wedding ring on every guy I talk to. And I can’t think of a good reason to contact him that isn’t just weird or stalkerish. I do have his name and phone number though. Hmmm.

Pity Party

30 06 2009

This whole thing with my eye is really getting to me. I know with my head that I am prone to an overactive imagination and can image way more than I should. I have only looked up on two sites information on ocular herpes and that was enough to keep me from reading more.

This morning it was just lightly sprinkling when I left the house (fantastic news for my yard which is tired of being baked daily in 100+ temps). On the way down the interstate it began to get worse. Between the pouring rain and my now always blurred vision, I had a lot of troubles seeing. And it was then I felt alone for the first time. I realized that if I do end up with truly impaired vision that I have no one to help me through things. My mother, Lord love her, would come to the rescue but with it comes so much guilt and sorrow that I can’t bear the thought. My parents are aging and not the people to lean on. They are getting to the point of needing more than I should need them. My oldest son is almost there for someone but not quite and right now in the clutches of his father, being brainwashed (another rant, not against men but against people who lie on a regular basis).

I am truly scared of losing more of my sight. I’m an accountant. Not being able to tell numbers apart is a problem for me. This is the only thing I know to do and I don’t know how to get through life without being able to do this work.

That was quick

18 06 2009

He moved in for a week and has already moved out. He said it wasn’t comfortable living in MY house. (Funny how we bought the house together) He says he is living at his parents’ house but I suspect he is with Ju-Ju more than he admits to (he says they are friends). He tried to blame me for his being homeless. His argument for this is that if I would allow Ju-Ju to be in the car when he comes to get or drop off the kids, then his relationship with her would be fine. I just feel strongly that I should not walk out of my house and see her skanky face. Future girlfriends of his won’t have the baggage of emotions that I have about Ju-Ju. We had problems before she came into his life but I think we would have stood a chance to get through them without her meddling in his life. We will never know but I am allowed and entitled to feel the way I do. I have asked very little out of him and this is the one thing I feel strongly about. I know I have no say about where else he takes her. Technically I don’t have a say in this, she can sit in his car on a public street and I can’t do a thing about it, except to rescind all the high levels of cooperation he gets from me.

I have found the color I’m painting my bedroom, a beautiful lavender. I need to figure out how much I can afford to do this Saturday. I don’t get paid until Monday and of course since the month isn’t over, child support isn’t in either. But I’m looking forward to the color on the walls. I think with the green accessories throughout the room, it will be beautiful.

Mistake in the making?

28 05 2009

J is still wanting to move out of Ju-Ju’s house but he doesn’t have a place to go. It is hard. His income is inconsistent and with his medical issues, he is afraid of trying to manage a rent until he knows more about how things are going to work on his own.

So I offered last year when he was in the hospital for him to come and live at my house. He could room with C as a boys’ room and KB could sleep in my room since she spends part of the night in there every night anyway. At the time, he didn’t want to take the offer but now things are bad enough he is considering it. There are definitely some boundaries and time limits to be set but there are pluses for me. He would be able to take care of some of my minor maintenance issues I have been avoiding. It would take some of the pressure off of me on dealing with the kids. He would be able to get the damn garage cleared out.

I know many would say I’m insane for doing this. But I don’t want him living with his parents because when he has the kids over there, they get yelled at by his father a lot. His brother’s house has as even more tension than he has in his current living situation. He deeply loves his kids and misses being with them more. We might not be what people think of as a family any more but we still are in many ways.

We lived together just fine in the past. No one realized we had problems because we were never the kind to yell at each other so when we told the kids, they were blindsided because they never saw any signs of problems.

Finally I’m back

4 05 2009

Sorry work has been making me crazy.

I’m in a weird spot in my mind right now. I get this way every so often, where I have so much in my mind but feel unable to talk to anyone about it. It is strange but the only person in my life that seems to get me right now is my ex. I guess that is all the years together. He calls me every morning at work to see how things are in my world. He worries about why I’m having so many chest pains (anxiety attacks) and asks about my knee. He gets how stressful work is and he calls in the afternoon to see if my day has gotten any better.

And yet I still know that he is the man who can’t figure out to move out from the girlfriend he claims to be almost hating. He still can’t keep a promise made. So many things wrong and right now he is the only person who makes me feel important. How warped is this?

I need a real boyfriend. I need to be looking forward to something with someone instead of wishing we could turn back time.